George and Condi
10 Types of people
Typical fairy tale
A little story
Alligator in bar
Shooting to cans
Week in Hell
Wife in coma
Working over 100%
Now we are entering Oval Office, where we can find a President of the USA, Mr. George Bush and his national safety adviser Condolissa Rice:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi?
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Condi: (picks up the phone) Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Teacher: "How old is your father?"
Kid: "He is 6 years."
Teacher: "What? How is this possible?"
Kid: "He became father only when I was born."
Teacher: "Maria, go to the map and find North America."
Maria: "Here it is."
Teacher: "Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?"
Teacher: "Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?"
Teacher: "No, that's wrong."
Glenn: "Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it."
Teacher: "Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?"
Donald: " H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Donald: "Yesterday you said it's H to O."
Teacher: "Clyde, your composition on 'My dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?"
Clyde: "No sir, it's the same dog."
Teacher: "Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Harold: "A teacher."
A Cork Radio station was running a competititon - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "..You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "..You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I AM officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked... "Who the Hell Is Camilla Parker Bowles???"
There are 10 types of people in this world...
Those who understand binary and those who don't!
Do U know the diference between typical White and typical Black fairy tale?
The typical White fairy tale begins like: "Ones upon the time in thee kingdom far far away..."
The typical Black fairy tale begins like: "You motherfucker U wont belive this SHIT..."
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could if a wouldchuck could chuck wood.
Do you keep falling asleep in business meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Thanks to the folks Down under (i.e. Australians), there is now a way to change all of that. It's called Bullshit Bingo. Here's how it works:
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Order of outland employer to staff at Slovakia
From: Head Quarters
To: All Slovak Speaking Staff
Subject: Improper Language Usage
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our office in Slovakia that offensive language is commonly used by our Slovak speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and staff. All personnel will immediately adhere to the following rules:
A priest and an Australian shepherd met each other in the final of a quiz show.
After answering all the normal questions, they were neck-and-neck with the same number of points and the quizmaster had to set a deciding question.
The question was, to compose a rhyme in 5 minutes including the word "Timbuktu".
After 5 minutes, the priest presented his poem :
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through,
on my way to Timbuktu..."
The audience was thrilled and celebrated the churchman as the certain winner. However, the Aussi stepped forward and recited :
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim booked two..."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the aligator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The aligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The aligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer:
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up: "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.
During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife:
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Woman: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
Man: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: How much?"
Man: "For that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me.
When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight ..."
Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Client: "I`m lookin` for a gun."
Owner:"What kind of gun are you lookin` for?"
Client: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 Magnum?"
Client: "It`s for shootin` at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."
Client: (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "OK, what kind a cans are you shooting at?"
Client: "Mexi-cans... Puerto Ri-cans... Afri-cans..."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says: "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.
I won't rest until I squeeze your blood out... you... you...
you damn MOSQUITO!
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage.
But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
Finally the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?", he asked rather lustingly.
"Well", she said responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looking over his glasses, he casually asked:
"Was that one word or two?"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?", she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean..., ...what happened with... the ...pickle slicer?"
"Oh..., she got fired too."
A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "P I G!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells: "B I T C H!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
Thought for the day: If only men would listen!
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small white guy faints!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy:
The small white guy says: "Excuse me but what did you say?"
The big black dude looks down and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says: "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around...'"
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded: "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued: "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."
"You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said: "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
When I bruised, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks...
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored ??
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
If you can't laugh about this you need help... This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line.
Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far
A S S K I S S I N G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% will take you !
Somewhere in Africa. Dialogue at visa check:
"Abu Muhamad Dalah al Sarafi."
"Four times a week."
"No, no, no... male or female?"
"Male, female... sometimes camel..."
You can't have everything...
... Where would you put it?
Once James Bond came to luxury bar. There was a gorgeous woman sitting at bar.
He came close to her told with little smile: "My name is Bond, James Bond."
Woman answered: "Meet you. Off, Fuck Off."